Misery

This one client is now officially a problem. I am miserable. I am stuck in too many meetings where all I’m doing is giving updates. I am constantly getting into trouble for things I don’t care about. Nothing I do seems to move the needle. Things I want to implement is called into question. And I’m being yelled at for these things. Everything requries documentation and investigation and gathering of evidence. I’m tired of fighting them on everything.

I thought a lot of my unhappiness is due to X not being in my life as much anymore… but it’s also this one client becoming an unfriendly environment. I don’t know if it’s toxic. I don’t know if it’s purely me not being a good fit. I don’t know if it’s me being a diva.

Am I experiencing low level anxiety because of this? I’m smoking now. I’m drinking coffee. These changes are unhealthy and it’s not solving the problem. It’s a bandage to cover up the root problems.

Am I tired of working? Yes. For clients. For money. Unhappiness is unmet expectations. And with them, I’m not seeing the original vision. Which was to make easy money. There was a clear path to that I believed.

But is that the core reason, or is there something more here? I’ve had several jolts of existential crises the last several months. What am I doing with my life? What am I spending all this money on board games and books for? Are they simply a distraction, a solve to feel something exciting? A way to be OK like a painkiller?

None of this is building something I can be proud of and makes me money. I’m treading water here. The work drains me of all emotional energy. I mean, I haven’t looked forward to the end of the day and the weekend like this since having a real job 15 years ago. This one client is feeling like a job. I don’t want a job. I need projects that have a clear scope and end date. And preferably, long-term benefits.