I'm so fucking stupid

Here I am breaking down 38 plot points, worrying about plot structure, bashing my head against the wall wondering why I can’t figure out a plot that resonates with this elaborate world I’ve built for prj: MINOs, thinking if only I had my world building down, I could just map on a plot, angry that my theory from two, three summers ago didn’t work, berating myself for falling into a rabbit hole, and almost, just almost wavering on my obsession with ensuring everything I do, I do it layered with theme, meaning, references, easter eggs, and pockets of cleverness. Here I am annoyed that when I map on a few plots, nothing feels natural, like I’m forcing the characters to follow my railroad of a campaign – go do this, then do that, don’t do that, why, because I told you to – and annoyed they don’t feel the emotional pain of it all, that they are like unenthusiastic, reluctant actors on a stage reading off the script in the most monotone, robotic manner, and looking off to the side, pleading for me to give them something. Here I am forgetting the most basic of what drives a story. CHARACTER MOTIVATION.

One conversation with LJK on Saturday evening was all it took to punch the most basic of holes in my story. Why would PROT do X? Doesn’t seem in character. And I’m dumbfounded, and can’t answer basic questions, giving answers with a Canadian question mark, shrugging, venturing, grasping. And then Olivia sends me this reddit comment. Guess what motherfucker? The universe is telling you to go back to the basics. Human psychology. Know your characters.

On one level, it is a relief. Because you know what? Plot is scary. Scary in the sense that it seems mathematical and controllable. The kind of left brain thing that I can index, taxonimize, organize, map, look for patterns for…. but, HOWEVER, notwithstanding, plot is also one of those things that, once understood, has a million available options. You can toggle this lever, flip that switch, push that button and you can create a million variations and it’s overwhelming and there’s no compass on what to choose. It is easily understood, but not something that’s easily applicable. It is the map, but not the compass. (Don’t even talk about territory just yet). Plot is the multiverse of parallel universes.

But CHARACTER. Character is the compass. Characters’ wants and needs, superobjectives, trauma, and wounds… the way they create and protect their homeostasis, the way it gets disrupted by plot, which then subsequently drives them to act. That is what will show you the path. And guess what? Character is NOT scary to me. Real world application of hacking and split-testing and selling to human psychology is how I’ve made money the last fifteen years. I can do character. And here I was worrying, fretting, and poring over plot structure.

Now – of course, this was a necessary tangential sideshow. I needed to go down this winding path to understand all those structures. It’s not useless work. But I guess what I’m upset about is that I got lost. I went into this forest and it wasn’t until a simple conversation with LJK, with Olivia, with admitting defeat to the Prime Cohort, with Bryan berating me (sort of, but not really. He abhors saying he’s critiqing anyone. He’s just “bringing things up” as he would say), with the pressure of a deadline and accountability to friends… that I managed to pry myself out, see the error of my ways, and move on a new strategic path. How do fiction writers without a network even operate? How do they not get lost in the abyss? I guess those are the authors that never get published because they’re still stuck. Or they have this tremendous ability to pull back and see the forest, change direction, and dive back in? Who knows. Not relevant.

Character development. I need to think through character for prj: MINOS to break through. I wouldn’t say I would start with character in the future. That’s probably never going to be me. I will always start with MECH and theme and references first. But this mistake has taught me to always be mindful that at one point, once the world is built, it’s time to get into the skin of my characters and let THEM direct the plot.